Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Not Okay

Three days ago, i lost one of my close friends, Ira...

On friday around 1pm i received this whatsapp message from her number, but not from her. It was from Najla.

I called her straight away and she said Ira collapsed at work and was sent to the hospital where she was rushed to the ICU. Najla cakap Doctor bagitahu dia yang Ira tak ada harapan lagi.

My friends fetched me at home from the office and drove me back to Melaka, to the hospital as they don't think i would be okay driving in that condition. She has been admitted to the CCU ward by the time i arrived. Yes, critical condition unit. Sampai luar ward, aku nampak ramai kawan kawan kerja dekat luar bilik Ira. I felt so weak, aku tak pasti aku cukup kuat atau tak untuk tengok dia dalam keadaan tu. but i tried to be strong and walked towards the room.

And there. I saw her lying down, with that machine, with tubes all around her body, tube from her mouth. And there. I broke down, sangat sakit tengok dia dan dengan pantas tanpa toleh belakang aku terus keluar dan nangis. My friends comforted and confronted me to go inside again, diorang cakap Ira pun mesti nak jumpa aku. And diorang suruh aku kuat. For a few minutes i was out there, with Ansari, her boyfriend. It got even worst but i decided to go back inside afterall.
Of course i still cried. Aku pegang tangan Ira. Sejuk sangat. Tapi aku bisik dekat telinga dia. "Ira, bangun Ira.. Aku balik ni dowh.. Ira aku tau kau kuat.. Bangun Ira." But she never responded to me, she never responded to anyone. Najla came. Najla told her the same thing. "Ira bangun... Kitorang tau kau kuat Ira. Ira vee balik ni bangun la Ira.." No response.

We went out.. We cried. I was supposed to meet her the next day.. Aku cuba sedapkan hati sendiri. Ira kuat, ira akan sembuh dan aku tetap dapat lepak dengan dia esok tu...

We stayed until it was almost 1ish am. Because we were told that the specialist will come at 12am.. Dia nak bagi Ira bius.. Tapi.. If Ira tak bagi apa apa response, he might have to pull out the wires, from the machine..... Dan.. Ira takde la.

I thought of staying around with Ansari. Looking at his condition. He said "kenapa dia tak reply BBM aku?" "Ira ada kat rumah.. dia tengah tidur."

I cried a lot since i called Najla until that night. My face started to ache so badly. Aku tak ada selera langsung nak makan and i ended up minum susu HL je itu pun aku paksa minum untuk alas perut. Tapi lepas tu kena balik sebab aku tak ada transport if apa apa. So Najla sent me home. And she went home as well. We told Ansari to please inform us on any updates..

When i reached home i was so fucking weak. I don't know what to do. I kept on crying in my room. I kept updating about her all over facebook, her pictures on instagram. I even tweeted her, telling her to stay strong and wake up.

Aku takut aku terlelap. I forced myself to stay awake.. My face was in so much pain. I just can't fall asleep. I was terrified. I wanna be kept updated.

But i failed. Aku terlelap. Until 7ish am my dad knocked on my door. I figured what he was gonna tell me. He said my sister called him and asked him to wake me up..... Because.... 
"Kawan kau tu dah meninggal." I said "oh,okay."
Shut the door, and i broke the fuck down! 

Checked my phone. 37 missed calls. With smses, whatsapp messages. Najla, my sis, Serap. She was gone at 5am. And one of the messages was the one that Najla told me "Ira is gone." And they're going to take her body back to Jb. I couldnt make it of course.

At 11ish, my friends from Cyberjaya came to Melaka, picked me up and drove me to Jb. Aku tak sempat sampai waktu kebumi. Sampai rumah Ira. Pergi kubur with my fellow ex colleagues from the hotel.

Thinking that it was my friend, buried right there. Lifeless. Wow. I was with her the night before. When she was lying unconscious. I held her hand and told her to be strong, but she has already been buried. Wow. Ansari said to me, "Vee jom balik melaka ambil Ira dekat rumah." Damn.

Ira has been such a good friend to me. Pernah tidur sekatil sebantal. Masak sama dekat rumah aku. Makan sama. Peluk cium. Kerja sama sama. Dia tunggu aku, aku tunggu dia nak rehat sama sama. Too much memories.

Ira.. Aku nak kau tahu yang aku akan rindukan kau sampai bila bila sayang. Aku sayang kau Ira. Terlalu cepat kau tinggalkan kitorang. Kenapa kau tak cakap kau sakit Ira.
 

Tapi aku percaya, Allah lebih sayangkan Ira.. Ira baik.. Ya Allah. Kau kuatkan lah kami dan keluarganya untuk menerima hakikat ini Ya Allah.

I am so bad at handling deaths. Especially of my loved ones. I died a thousand deaths.

Al Fatihah













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