Thursday, May 27, 2010

Misery.

When my life seems to be meaningless...
I have been wasting a lot, a lot of my time going out and about, searching for something or maybe things that I'm not even sure what it is, or what they are.

Why do I often have these feelings?

- Left out
- Lost
- Miserable
- Lonely
- Upset
- Devastated
- Stressful

With all those feelings mixed up in me, I could act and behave like a demented woman at times.
I could actually be laughing and 3 minutes after that I could be crying all of a sudden.

Meaningless= when every single thing I do seems to go wrong, even thinking of doing what I want to do could make me feel it's allllll gonna go wrong!

Breathe Sabrina...
Breathe........

It's not about me being jobless- I've start searching for jobs- enough with my so-called holiday.
It's not about me being single- I survived this whole 10 months- nothing seems to be a problem; in fact I'm feeling way better compared to the last time I was in a relationship.

It's just not all that.

It's something.
Something that I need to get a clearer view of.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

To do.

Salams, greetings everyone..
:)
I just feel like blogging, tak sure nak post pasal apa..
But then yah, I'm still jobless..
Saya telah selamat dan dengan rasminya menjadi penganggur tegar for a few months already..
It's not that I feel great about it, but rasanya semua benda jadi ada sebab kan?
And not that I enjoy being stuck at home or going here and there tanpa arah tuju..
I do miss those working days..
From my retail job at Topshop, and being a hostess at some of the first class/business class airport lounges in KLIA.
I miss thinking what to wear everyday to work during those days in Topshop..
I miss my hostess uniform..
And most of all, of course I do miss all my ex-colleagues from both places.
Missing all the fun, the love, duties, and ALL.

Why am I jobless?
Hmm. Selepas berfikir dan berfikir, saya temui jawapan nya iaitu, saya tak ada hati nak bekerja. I mean, bukan sekarang..
And saya pun tahu memang tak best la kalau kerja for a few months, and then rasa dah tak ada hati and chow..
Oh no, bukan saya maksudkan yang saya nak menganggur aje, and harap parents saya tanggung saya lagi.
It's just that, I think I do have some dreams to achieve.
I'm more interested to continue my studies, and live life as a student as long as I can..
I mean, I still have a very long way to go, no?
So what's the rush.
I'm not even getting married or anything, I don't even have time to actually find myself a bf and all.

So yah...
I wanna continue my studies!
I wanna work on assignments and all..

It's never too late right...

Insya'Allah.
Everything's gonna be okay..
It's not like I wanna be selfish or anything, but I do agree with some people who has been telling me to do what I want, follow my heart, do what I think is best for myself.

I guess I don't mind trying.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Note to S _ L _

A friend of mine called me up and let a lil bit of her heart out today.
She told me that someone important to her just asked her this, "Apa benda yang tak pakai dalam rumah ni?"
She wished that she could reply by saying, "Me.."
She said she already felt like an UNWANTED.
She's been keeping a whole lot of pain bottled up inside her.
I wished I could tell her stuffs to cheer her up and comfort her.
But no I didn't.

It must be hard.
It must have been hard for her..
It's like adding up more bruises to her heart.

Sigh.

Be strong, my dearest.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

hear. me. out.

Do you know that one, single word can actually cut someone deeply?
Do you even know that punishing a soul in silence is way suffering than beating the hell out of them?

Words can be daggers.
Tell me about it.

Why are you speaking to me like we’re total strangers?
Why are you treating me like we’re total strangers?
Why does it look like we’re already used of being so-called strangers?
Am I really a stranger to you?
If so, why can’t you just open up to me rather than leave me questioning myself for years?
If there shouldn’t be a bond between us, why didn’t you just get rid of me ever since I existed in your life?
If we are here for a bond, then why can’t I feel it?
If you expect me to be like some other people, why can’t you be like some other people?

But why do we have to expect someone to be another person?
Why do we have to live in hypocrisy?
Or exactly, why do I have to be dragged into another’s life which is filled with hypocrisy?

Why are you making me feel like I am here for no reason at all?
There was just a very dark past behind my existence?
You got me crowded with my own conclusions.

It’s no fun at all.
Forcing myself not to cry over my own conclusions.
Forcing myself not to believe any of those conclusions.

But fact is, still..
The feeling is real.
And I ain’t no superhuman.

I can be weak at times.
And lately, I got weak very easily.

Is there anyone listening?
Is there anyone who could talk to you and make you understand before it’s too late?